Somethings will never change. No matter what you do or say, there will be things in your life that will be outside of your control and, as hard as you might try, you will still try and change it. What is important to remember, though, is that it's not how you react when you encounter something that is outside of your power, it's the state of mind that you rationalize the situation in. What does that mean? It means that it's not how you defend against the situation that is important, it's how you plan the defenses.
Now I know that you must be thinking that not every situation involves defenses, and you'd be right, but doing nothing about a situation that you have no control over is usually the worst possible option. However, if there is nothing to be done, why should you then do anything at all? The reason is that just because you can't win does not mean that you necessarily have to lose. It's all about changing your perspective.
When one usually encounters something beyond them, it usually involves or revolves around another person. Whether it be an attitude that doesn't change, a mannerism that won't go away, a rule that won't break, or whatever it may be, the immovable object is usually a human being and, many times, that person is immovable because we either think they are or don't want to show them they aren't. We, as a society, have placed such a high value on personal feelings that we will, more often then not, choose our own discomfort than risk offending someone. This viewpoint, however politically correct it may be, is wrong.
While I do not believe that our own comfort should ever come before someone else's well being or feelings, we aren't helping anyone by letting every uncomfortable situation stand. We are here on this earth to help each other, but we cannot do that if we are too afraid to do anything because they may feel hurt. But, like I said earlier, it's not how we plan on telling the person, it's how we perceive the situation that we are in.
We are trained to think of ourselves first but, in this case, this is the worst possible thing we can do. We must try to see the other persons side of the story first and then, and only then, try to see how our viewpoint connects with theirs. Just because someone is wronging you does not mean that they are intentionally doing it, they may just be accustomed to a different manner of social interaction. Just because someone is seemingly ignoring you does not have to mean that you are unimportant, that person may just be unable to give you the attention that you want at the moment. Just because someone is seemingly passing up on time spent with you for others does not have to mean that you are not important, they may have more time critical things that need to be done.
What do we get by realizing what the other person is seeing the situation as? We can then better understand how our viewpoint is different and then present the differences to the other party. How is this different then a simple confrontation? By doing this, you are more likely to have a calm demeanor when you address the person and also have a better understanding of them so you do not blatantly accuse them of something you think they are doing. Yes, there is still a chance that the person may be offended, but you should never place yourself in the backseat in any relationship. Just because you may not currently be in the drivers seat does not mean that you are not helping to navigate and steer the relationship to where you both want. As soon as we are ready to realize that we need to try and see things as they are before acknowledging our own assumptions, we can prepare to push our unmovable object to where you want and need it to be. An unmovable object is only as steadfast as you allow yourself to make it out to be.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
It's about strengthening each other
We all have areas of weakness. Whether it be something we continually do without wanting to, or not doing something because we are afraid or just don't want to, it is something we all struggle with each and every day. Unfortunately, it is hard to expect us to be able to handle these issues on our own; by our own definition, we are too weak. We need help.
Here is where things get difficult though; just because someone is willing to help you doesn't mean that they can or even should. This comes back to the famous quote by Jesus, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Just because someone isn't suffering from the same ineptitude does not mean that they are the right person to help us, even if they have the desire to do so. Why? Put simply, one way strengthening won't let them worry about their own areas that need growth; you need to strengthen each other.
What it comes down to is balance. You can't expect someone who doesn't excel in your weaknesses to be able to help you and vice-versa. Whether its compiling a circle of friends to help the next, or finding your perfect opposite, the only way for real growth is to build on each other without weighing them down. Just how you wouldn't build on a weak foundation, you must fill in each others cracks and be both the foundation and tower together.
It's not easy accepting your own weaknesses, much less sharing them with others. All of our lives we are taught to deal with our own problems and that, "God helps those who help themselves." What we fail to realize is that God is here for the sick, not the well. It's when we realize we are helpless that He most comforts us, and He doesn't do that alone. He has given us all friends or family to help us overcome what holds us back; all perfectly chosen just for you. Opposites attract for a reason; they are the peanut butter to your jelly, but only together can you be greater than the sum of your parts and become the perfect sandwich.
And I'd like to think God enjoys a good PB&J. :)
Here is where things get difficult though; just because someone is willing to help you doesn't mean that they can or even should. This comes back to the famous quote by Jesus, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Just because someone isn't suffering from the same ineptitude does not mean that they are the right person to help us, even if they have the desire to do so. Why? Put simply, one way strengthening won't let them worry about their own areas that need growth; you need to strengthen each other.
What it comes down to is balance. You can't expect someone who doesn't excel in your weaknesses to be able to help you and vice-versa. Whether its compiling a circle of friends to help the next, or finding your perfect opposite, the only way for real growth is to build on each other without weighing them down. Just how you wouldn't build on a weak foundation, you must fill in each others cracks and be both the foundation and tower together.
It's not easy accepting your own weaknesses, much less sharing them with others. All of our lives we are taught to deal with our own problems and that, "God helps those who help themselves." What we fail to realize is that God is here for the sick, not the well. It's when we realize we are helpless that He most comforts us, and He doesn't do that alone. He has given us all friends or family to help us overcome what holds us back; all perfectly chosen just for you. Opposites attract for a reason; they are the peanut butter to your jelly, but only together can you be greater than the sum of your parts and become the perfect sandwich.
And I'd like to think God enjoys a good PB&J. :)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
It's not just flowery language
When we hear the words "flowery language," what most likely goes through our heads is the sweet nothings we all associate with relationships. To the parties involved in the conversation, these words are sweeter then honey and are deeply encouraged in most situations. To parties not involved, however, these words are most revolting thing that could be said. What we all miss though is the importance of such language in everyday situations, not just intimate relationships.
What we must first realize is what flowery language really is: embellishing for the sake of emphasis of a specific point (also known as a hyperbole). Something we don't acknowledge though is the abundance of situations that we all use it in and how it helps us to communicate truth to someone, even though embellishing is, at its heart, lying.
When your good friend is having a bad day, it is not uncommon to tell them that you would do anything for them. Would you really do anything for them? If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Of course not, but it conveys to them that you really do care. When you tell your significant other that your love burns hotter then a thousand suns, it really doesn't. It's just their way of putting into words something abstract. When your boss says he will give you the boot if your performance doesn't improve, you don't consider ignoring him to get free footwear.
Outside of birthday surprises, there aren't many occasions where lying isn't frowned upon but flowery language is definitely one of them. We have all become so accustomed to using it that, until someone else uses it front of us, we tend to be oblivious to it. That doesn't mean we can just not use it however. Sometimes telling your friend that you care or your partner you love them isn't enough; even if it is the truth. Sometimes true words cannot express what we feel. So next time you hear a sweet nothing, never forget that, while maybe not in the same context, you do the same thing too. Sometimes the only way to express what needs to be said is in beautiful lie.
What we must first realize is what flowery language really is: embellishing for the sake of emphasis of a specific point (also known as a hyperbole). Something we don't acknowledge though is the abundance of situations that we all use it in and how it helps us to communicate truth to someone, even though embellishing is, at its heart, lying.
When your good friend is having a bad day, it is not uncommon to tell them that you would do anything for them. Would you really do anything for them? If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? Of course not, but it conveys to them that you really do care. When you tell your significant other that your love burns hotter then a thousand suns, it really doesn't. It's just their way of putting into words something abstract. When your boss says he will give you the boot if your performance doesn't improve, you don't consider ignoring him to get free footwear.
Outside of birthday surprises, there aren't many occasions where lying isn't frowned upon but flowery language is definitely one of them. We have all become so accustomed to using it that, until someone else uses it front of us, we tend to be oblivious to it. That doesn't mean we can just not use it however. Sometimes telling your friend that you care or your partner you love them isn't enough; even if it is the truth. Sometimes true words cannot express what we feel. So next time you hear a sweet nothing, never forget that, while maybe not in the same context, you do the same thing too. Sometimes the only way to express what needs to be said is in beautiful lie.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
It's about saving face
Not everyone in your life is going to like you. Sometimes it's you fault, sometimes it's not, but there is always something you can do about it.
We can all in insensitive to others feelings by our actions. Something trivial to us can be very important and upsetting to someone else. An innocent conversation can turn to controversy, an expression can cause uncertainty, and a gift can cause jealousy. The unfortunate thing is that hindsight is 20-20; you can't always predict what someone will think about something you've done. You can, however, try to make amends.
In most situations and circumstances, an apology will suffice. Pleading innocence (or ignorance) is something most everyone does when we have wronged someone, intentionally or not. Detecting when we have wronged is usually easy to read if you know them well enough however, in some cases, it can be hard to decipher what it is we need to apologize for. We need to be willing to humble ourselves and talk to the one we have wronged about what is bothering them. Only then can you truly give a heartfelt "I'm sorry."
Sometimes sorry is not enough though. Sometimes words are not enough to mend what a seemingly careless action has broken. Sometimes you must repay the debt. It might be by buying someone lunch or a birthday present but, if you are truly wanting to stay in someones good graces, you may be required to spend time and/or money to show you really care. On a different note, you must also be careful to not overdue it and seem to want to buy friendship or fall into the trap of "over paying back." You want to be their friend, not their personal gift shop.
And finally, you must come to the realization that it is impossible to please everyone. It is hard to fix a bond that never existed. You can't always make acquaintances forget their first impression. You must be ready to walk away from the situation. It's more hard for some than others, but sometimes the best way to save face is to just leave the problem alone.
It's impossible to not want to be liked. Human beings are social creatures that live and die on the acceptance of others. It's also impossible to not make mistakes and, when you do, you need to be ready to show weakness to your friends, be steadfast with your enemies, and have the discernment to know the difference. It's your reputation; it's up to you to uphold it.
We can all in insensitive to others feelings by our actions. Something trivial to us can be very important and upsetting to someone else. An innocent conversation can turn to controversy, an expression can cause uncertainty, and a gift can cause jealousy. The unfortunate thing is that hindsight is 20-20; you can't always predict what someone will think about something you've done. You can, however, try to make amends.
In most situations and circumstances, an apology will suffice. Pleading innocence (or ignorance) is something most everyone does when we have wronged someone, intentionally or not. Detecting when we have wronged is usually easy to read if you know them well enough however, in some cases, it can be hard to decipher what it is we need to apologize for. We need to be willing to humble ourselves and talk to the one we have wronged about what is bothering them. Only then can you truly give a heartfelt "I'm sorry."
Sometimes sorry is not enough though. Sometimes words are not enough to mend what a seemingly careless action has broken. Sometimes you must repay the debt. It might be by buying someone lunch or a birthday present but, if you are truly wanting to stay in someones good graces, you may be required to spend time and/or money to show you really care. On a different note, you must also be careful to not overdue it and seem to want to buy friendship or fall into the trap of "over paying back." You want to be their friend, not their personal gift shop.
And finally, you must come to the realization that it is impossible to please everyone. It is hard to fix a bond that never existed. You can't always make acquaintances forget their first impression. You must be ready to walk away from the situation. It's more hard for some than others, but sometimes the best way to save face is to just leave the problem alone.
It's impossible to not want to be liked. Human beings are social creatures that live and die on the acceptance of others. It's also impossible to not make mistakes and, when you do, you need to be ready to show weakness to your friends, be steadfast with your enemies, and have the discernment to know the difference. It's your reputation; it's up to you to uphold it.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
It's not like there's a guide
It's not like there is a guide to life. There is no day by day plan to go by, no step-by-step instructions on how to solve problems. Do you know why this is? It's because there is no one answer to anything.
Everyone is entitled to their own view on the world and their own solution to their own problems. Just because 2+2 equals four in your book doesn't mean it does to someone else. We all go through very similar problems and deal with them in very different ways.
Stress is one of the main issues everyone shares in common and it is a classic example of how we all cope differently. Someone may go for a run while another may write their feelings down. Some people may just take it all in and never say a word about it when the person next to them cries out for comfort.
It's not all about knowing we deal with things differently however; it's how to deal with those differences. We can't just ignore them and let everyone solve their own problems but we cannot force them to solve their problems a different way either. We need to learn to help them help themselves.
What does that mean? It means that we need to learn to accept how someone deals with a situation and then help them in their own way. If someone needs a friend in order to get over something, we need to be that friend. If someone needs to be left alone, we need to honor their need. Someones written notes on a situation are meaningless unless someone offers to read them and make sense of how someone felt. Sometimes people just need a drinking buddy, and that's ok too.
If we all need to learn something, that one thing would be each other. We can't help someone if we don't know what their problem is, and we can't know how to help until we know how they want to deal with it. Friendship is a learning process. We all need to be open to that.
Everyone is entitled to their own view on the world and their own solution to their own problems. Just because 2+2 equals four in your book doesn't mean it does to someone else. We all go through very similar problems and deal with them in very different ways.
Stress is one of the main issues everyone shares in common and it is a classic example of how we all cope differently. Someone may go for a run while another may write their feelings down. Some people may just take it all in and never say a word about it when the person next to them cries out for comfort.
It's not all about knowing we deal with things differently however; it's how to deal with those differences. We can't just ignore them and let everyone solve their own problems but we cannot force them to solve their problems a different way either. We need to learn to help them help themselves.
What does that mean? It means that we need to learn to accept how someone deals with a situation and then help them in their own way. If someone needs a friend in order to get over something, we need to be that friend. If someone needs to be left alone, we need to honor their need. Someones written notes on a situation are meaningless unless someone offers to read them and make sense of how someone felt. Sometimes people just need a drinking buddy, and that's ok too.
If we all need to learn something, that one thing would be each other. We can't help someone if we don't know what their problem is, and we can't know how to help until we know how they want to deal with it. Friendship is a learning process. We all need to be open to that.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
It's about saying the right words
"There are times when the world is rearranging itself and, at times like that, the right words can change the world."
Life happens at moments of change. The mundane, day to day filler that consumes 99 percent of life means nothing compared to the explosive 1 percent of reform. It might be a death of a loved one, the birth of a child, the end of a relationship, or even the ending of a career, but those moments alter the path on which life is headed. What few people realize however is the great responsibility each of us has as friends of others to impact the lives of those close to us.
The wrong word at the wrong time has inspired thousands of suicides, relationships to end, and all sorts of negative feedback that could have easily been avoided if someone had said something else. People take for granted the power other people's comments have on them. They stick to the colloquialism "words can never hurt me" and pretend to brush off what others have said when, in reality, those words have just changed the future.
A kind comment on a still sensitive situation can help push someone out of despair and onward with their life. A comforting phase can heal a broken heart or spirit. A firm stance against something can show someone the error of their ways.
It's very easy to sit back and say to yourself that they will work it out on their own. The thing is, you don't know that. Your voice could be the one thing they need at that moment. Whether it be towards God, friends, or family, sometimes you need to be the one that pushes. It's not something you are asked to do and sometimes you will even get rebuked for your actions but know this: you will never get this moment back again and, if you miss this one chance, you just may live to regret it.
Life happens at moments of change. The mundane, day to day filler that consumes 99 percent of life means nothing compared to the explosive 1 percent of reform. It might be a death of a loved one, the birth of a child, the end of a relationship, or even the ending of a career, but those moments alter the path on which life is headed. What few people realize however is the great responsibility each of us has as friends of others to impact the lives of those close to us.
The wrong word at the wrong time has inspired thousands of suicides, relationships to end, and all sorts of negative feedback that could have easily been avoided if someone had said something else. People take for granted the power other people's comments have on them. They stick to the colloquialism "words can never hurt me" and pretend to brush off what others have said when, in reality, those words have just changed the future.
A kind comment on a still sensitive situation can help push someone out of despair and onward with their life. A comforting phase can heal a broken heart or spirit. A firm stance against something can show someone the error of their ways.
It's very easy to sit back and say to yourself that they will work it out on their own. The thing is, you don't know that. Your voice could be the one thing they need at that moment. Whether it be towards God, friends, or family, sometimes you need to be the one that pushes. It's not something you are asked to do and sometimes you will even get rebuked for your actions but know this: you will never get this moment back again and, if you miss this one chance, you just may live to regret it.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It's about casual friends
College is more than school, it's about about making connections. The problem some people are having though is that, once a few connections are made, they tell themselves they are happy with what they have. Now if you believe that I'm saying that having a few close friends is wrong, then you'd be making an a** out of you and me (assume...).
Close friends are the life blood of everyday life, but it's all the memories that we are missing from the casual friends that really make that way of belief inferior. It's the girl you talk to in the lunch line, or the guy who helps you pick up your books. It's the quiet person on your sports team, or the smart person who offers help with your homework. It's not easy to introduce yourself to a complete stranger and invite them to spend time with you (and, depending where you live, the use of caution when picking said stranger is highly advised!), but its those people that can influence your lives the most. Close friends help you find yourself. Casual friends help you find the world.
Close friends are the life blood of everyday life, but it's all the memories that we are missing from the casual friends that really make that way of belief inferior. It's the girl you talk to in the lunch line, or the guy who helps you pick up your books. It's the quiet person on your sports team, or the smart person who offers help with your homework. It's not easy to introduce yourself to a complete stranger and invite them to spend time with you (and, depending where you live, the use of caution when picking said stranger is highly advised!), but its those people that can influence your lives the most. Close friends help you find yourself. Casual friends help you find the world.
Friday, September 11, 2009
It's all about being honest
It's very easy to get carried away. Whether it's with a sport, someone you like, or an addiction, we have all at one time let our emotions get the best of us. A lot of times its actually beneficial for us and maybe even the people around us to let ourselves proceed as we want to; at least at the beginning. Happiness now often leads to sorrow later that would have been avoided if we had stopped ourselves before going too far.
The sad realization of this however is that, as much as it may affect your life and hurt you, it can often hurt the other person more. We need to learn to be honest with ourselves and others about what we feel and smart about what we do about it if we really want to protect ourselves and others from emotional pain. It's not the most fun answer or way to live life but, in the end, I think it's the most rewarding because its the only way you'll have friends in the end.
The sad realization of this however is that, as much as it may affect your life and hurt you, it can often hurt the other person more. We need to learn to be honest with ourselves and others about what we feel and smart about what we do about it if we really want to protect ourselves and others from emotional pain. It's not the most fun answer or way to live life but, in the end, I think it's the most rewarding because its the only way you'll have friends in the end.
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